The days are getting longer,
And the nights are becoming darker;
All I can feel
Is the transition between reality and abnormality.

I don't like it.

All I want is the respect I deserve
From the people that mean most to me.
That's all;
That's it.

I can't do this anymore.

Fuck this.
Everything is a mess right now.

I honestly

am so sick of how a certain someone treats me.

I call you.
No calls back.

I try and keep you involved.
You're an asshole.



I'm so sick of everything, and it's only a month in. Everything is already getting to the way it was last year, and I can't take it.

Stop giving me useless 20-page-packets to write all over.
Stop ignoring me.
Stop coming near me.

I just want to be with the people I like and nobody else.

Pensive?

And the time was moving so slowly.
Everytime it was checked...
Minutes were crawling.
It was unbelievable.

Then he was beginning to speak,
Like he respected everyone around him,
For once.
It clicked.

The book was open.
The pages were becoming soaked.
But it didn't matter,
Because that's what he wanted.

He wanted this to happen.
This night, these people, this situation,
Perfection,
In a matter of hours.

I just got

incredibly inspired. I can't even describe what I just went through.

I'm not my normal self. It's the music. The white tint to everything. The words. The meaning.



I can't describe it if I tried.

It's like, you don't know anything about that person. And you just stumble upon their personal words- the words that they don't expect you to see and read, but write them anyway just to get away from the world for ten or fifteen minutes; to feel more complete.
And then you realize that you're more similar to them than you think. The endless traits that connect you through hidden actions or meanings.
And you feel bad; you feel sick, wanting to curl up and listen to the muffled music.
And watch yourself fly away, because nothing else will do.











It stops now.

Everything's

a joke.

This time we're not giving up

Let's make this last forever.

School in 3 days.
Bitches can SUUUUUUUCK IIIIIT.

I'm ready.

Day 30

Dear reflection in the mirror,

*Crumples up paper and throws stone at mirror for dramatic effect*

From,
Me.

Day 29

Dear someone I want to tell everything to, but am too scared,

Well, this is it I guess. You've already sat me down to talk before and it was really strange. It was just sweat and tears and just awkward. Someone interrupted and ended the conversation, so I guess we'll save it for another day.

From,
Me.

Day 28

Dear someone that has changed my life,

For better or for worse, you've been there and even though it hasn't been quite a long time, it has helped so much. I hope things get better for you, you deserve something better than all of this. I'm still learning more about you everyday, and I'm glad.

From,
Me.

This is what you wanted, right?

Walking in, nothing seemed to make sense;
The rooms were awkward,
And the conversation:
Bold.

The stereo blasted,
And the children laughed.
The times came,
and they went.

But since, he feels fulfillment,
Out of joy and forgetfulness.
He will only see one,
For the rest of his short life.

Day 27

Dear friendliest person I met for one day,

You're incredible. You're so positive and I can't believe you leave for college soon.

From,
Me.

Day 26

Dear last person I made a pinky promise to,

X.

From,
Me.

Last night

I was freaking out. It was one of the worst nights I had all summer probably. Thing after thing.

Life goes on, and things get better though:)

I wish

my life was like a tv show; you could just go through some bullshit, and at the end of the day everything is ok.

But everything isn't ok. It's a day-to-day struggle and I'm getting sick of it. Everything is just so irritating and I can't take it.

And the fact that I only talk to the same people everyday makes it worse.

I'm just caving.

Bring the thunder.

You're so fucking pathetic, I swear. You are all high and mighty, and then your girlfriend dumps you and, HOLY SHIT, look at you! Now you're scraping back for her, and you have no friends, and look like an asshole to everyone. Congratulations; you're a tool.

Day 25

Dear someone I know is going through the worst of times,

I know how you feel. Your closest friend is leaving you to move on with his life and you're left in the dust. Buck up, you'll see him and me soon enough.

From,
Me.

Highllllo

Sit.
Start.
Accelerate.
Gaze.

But the lights coming towards you,
Are blarring.
The proof?
The stars.

And they hurt.
Oh, they hurt your eyes
To the point of pink.
The stars.

The music is luping.
While you check the clock,
It reads 10:38.
The stars.

Stop.
Off.
Walk.
Safe.

Day 24

Dear someone who gave me the best memory,

Most memories go to you buddy. Keep on truckin' <3

From,
Me.

Day 23

Dear last person I kissed,

Well, what is there left to say? I moved on and you still haven't. It's been months and it's sad how much I try and smooth things over...every...day...but it won't change. See yaa.

From,
Me.

Day 22

Dear someone I want to give a second chance to,

I give out multiple chances usually. And usually they're still mistreating me, so I stopped.
Bai.

From,
Me.

Day 21

Dear someone i judged by their first impression,

Wow, this was in like 8th grade when I did not know you. We're friends, but you're a clear-as-glass shitty one, so I'll live day-to-day life as if we're as close as you think, but I see the hints and know how you truly feel. My first impression was correct; you're a douche.

From,
Me.

Day 20

I'm really bad at keeping up with this.

Dear person that broke my heart the hardest,

There are two people I'd like to write to:

Person one,
We dated for months upon months. None of my friends liked you, but they didn't know you like I did. You were different, we clicked. Then you broke up with me, over text message, while i was out with friends; that was heartless. I got over it, just because you downgraded hardcore, and we don't talk anymore. Oh well.

Person two,
Although we did not talk for long, nor did we date, I liked you so much. You were and still are considered perfect to me. I hope what you chose was worth it.

From,
Me.

Day 19

Dear someone that pesters your mind,

Constantly. You're always there.

From,
Me.

I honestly

cannot stand when couples publicly do anything.
Whether it be makingout in front of me or even showing publicly how awesome their date was this weekend or how much they miss each other on their facebook walls.

You can use text messages or phone calls or face to face conversations for this, not my facebook home page.

And in reality, I know you're just doing this because you WANT people to know how awesome your relationship in, when in reality it probably sucks and you're just a cover-up.

Done.

Day 18

I guess I'm really bad at keeping track of doing this every day, lol.

Dear the person I wish I could be,

You just have what I want, no matter how many times you tell me to be happy with myself.

From,
Me.

Day 17

I visited Seton Hall today. Wasn't impressed.

Dear someone(s)* from my childhood,

I miss that, but you're so screwed up now...all of you.

From,
Me.

I don't understand

why I feel like this.

Happiness has come and gone in sparatic bursts and I can't even describe it. Everyone has kind of just disappeared and I don't know.

This is so confusing.

Day 16

Dear someone not in my state,

I can't believe the things we've been through.

From,
Me.

Day 15

Dear someone I miss the most,

I guess it would be you, even though I don't show it that well when we communicate. Leaving my life at such an important year really took me through a rough time and still to this day do I suffer. You try and win me back but I feel like it's all just a scheme because of what you did in the past. It's uncomfortable.

From,
Me.

Day 14

Dear someone I've drifted away from,

Like yesterday's blog, I regret nothing. We drifted for a reason and that is that.
However, I would like to comment on someone specifically:
You lost all of your friends and NOW are questioning why after a whole year? HAHAH. Funny. I'm glad we drifted because after countless times of me trying to rekindle our friendship and you refusing, I gave up and now see what everyone else does. You helped me a lot but I don't even care at this point because all of it basically flew out the window after you and your girlfriend broke up. You turned into an asshole and I'm glad things ended the way they did.

From,
Me.

Angsty Poetry

"But our past," she muttered.
So soft and pure.
Sobbing, he pushes her out of the way,
And leaves the room.
Abandoned.

His thoughts were perturbed,
And his palms, sweaty.
Desperate and broken,
He knew he could win her over,
No matter what.

He sat, he listened.
She saw change.
Astonished and overwhelmed,
The despair disappeared.
Problem solved.

But the crisis remains,
In the form of a smoggy overcast,
Surrounding her intellect.
And everything will be okay,
If you believe it is okay.

Day 13

Dear someone I wish would forgive me,

No regrets. Don't care about you. Boom.

From,
Me.

Day 12

Dear person who caused me the most pain/hurt me the most,

You're an asshole. Honestly? I made a mistake. Usually people keep things between themselves, and I thought I could call you a friend. I'm glad we don't associate, and I'm glad to know you dropped out of school, and I'm glad to know you got fat, and I'm glad you're defined as scum by everyone in this town, because you truly, truly deserve that title.

SINCERELY YOURS,
Me.

I visited

TCNJ today. It was nice. I went with Emily and her mother. Next week I'm going with them to Seton Hall. I'm excited for what is to come.

Day 11

My "Aunt" just passed, this is fitting.

Dear deceased person,

I wish when I visited you in the hospital the week before your passing that we could have talked. I wish cancer didn't get the best of you. I hope your life was everything you had hoped for and more. I love you.

From,
Me.

Day 10

Dear someone I don't talk to as much as I'd like,

I don't talk to you as much for a reason. Let's keep it that way.

From,
Me.

Day 9

Dear someone I wish I could meet,

I wish we could see each other. I know one day in the next few months we will. If not, then I know we will never get the opportunity again.

From,
Me.

Everything

is so miserable lately.

People everywhere around are just hurting. Whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's really starting to effect me. They're all close to me, and I don't know what to do to make it better for them, or for that notion me.

I just want things to get better. I feel like all relationships I have have been lost and I don't really mind at this point. I think keeping to myself is the only way to heal anything that has damaged me lately; yet it doesn't feel like healing while I'm doing it, it does afterwards. Maybe it's just time. Time and sleeping are the only way to solve problems.

But they aren't solved. They're just prolonged. I ignore everything until I eventually have to deal with them, usually dealing ina cut-off relationship.

This needs to end.

Day 8

Dear favorite internet friend,

...

From,
Me.

I really dislike

when people say "must be nice," or "wow I wish," or something stupid like that. Especially when you live with that person. My life is not easier, so when I'm relaxing don't bitch to me about how you hate how I relax all the time when I don't. I clearly do more schoolwork than you ever did, and I work, and I do more activities than you do, so yeah, shut up:)

Day 7

Dear Ex's,

I'm a really bad boyfriend, I know. I do all the usual things to get you hooked then get bored of you, break up with you, and it is a cycle.
Sorry.

From,
Me.

Well...

I tossed and turned attempted to get a good-night's-rest last night, only to fail.

But while attempting this action, I thought long and hard about what was going on yesterday and how things were happening around me.

1) I hate girls that have such low self-esteem that they constanstly crave your compliments by posting sites such as Formspring, then get beaten down by strangers and have an even lower self-esteem. Just stop.
2)People that constantly Facebook IM me when I'm either doing research or trying to blow off some steam by listening to music. Stop.
3)A spin-off of number two: if I don't talk to you now, in the midst of summer, I probably don't want to talk to you in school. I basically cut communication with people that don't matter to me anymore and I can't learn from. And yeah, there's that bullshit quote about how everyone matters and you can learn from their experiences. But that isn't reality. I'm pretty sure I've gone through thirty times more worse things than ninety-eight percent of the population in Jefferson, therefore I do not need to associate with you. And guess what? I bet you don't know half the stuff I go through.
4)Remember that really random post? Maybeeee last Thursday or Friday? That's what I'm talking about.
5)People that say one thing and can't explain themselves makes me so angry. I've actually broken up with someone over this because if you can't comprehend your own thoughts why do I even bother? It's a nuisance, honestly.
6)Girls that use a semicolon as an artsy piece of punctuation for their Facebook status'. Enough said.

I find it awesome that I just wrote all of this. I have so much more, but I'd rather save it for another day and make all of my blogs interesting, instead of just one :)

Side note- ...
I went to go write that, then knew it was wayyyy too mean. I'm stopping now.

Day 6

Dear stranger,

Get to know me. I'm sure you'll be more intrigued as time moves forward.

From,
Me.

Day 5

Dear dreams,

Come true; prove to everyone that I can do what I put my mind to...for once.

From,
Me.

Day 4

Dear sibling(s),

Laura,

You're so nice. I'm sorry I have to leave for college next year and leave you behind in the house of mayhem, but I think you'll be ok.

-

Liz,

I wish you were always in a good mood, because your bad moods bring other people down. Quit stressin' and live life happy, please.

Both from,
Me.

Day 3

Dear Parents,

I love you both, but I can't take the notion of how you both treat me.
Number one) I am not five.
Number two) I am also not twenty, so don't try and put everything on me when I can't handle it.
Number three) I'll miss you when I leave.

Signed,
Me.

Day 2

Sorry, I was in Newport and could not blog. Here we go.

Dear "crush",

I want what's best for you.

Signed,
Me.

Newport

was amazing. I want to go back. That is all.
I'm going to write my next letter now, bai.

I need you to understand

that I have gone through so much.
And if I ever seem annoying, condescending, or any other negative adjective, just take into consideration the things I've had to deal with and have done.
I try and help others, but I can only do so much.

Recycled Air

I'm beginning the 30 day Letter Sequence.
Don't judge me.

I'll post normal blogs also whenever I get the chance.

Day 1:
Dear Best Friend,

Wherever you are, I miss you. I miss your lack of attentiveness in my life. If you ever existed, want to reappear, and exist again, go for it. I haven't called someone a best friend in awhile, because it's as if you're letting your guard down to be pushed around like a blossoming relationship. In the end, it isn't worth it; pick yourself up and be a man by yourself, because yourself is all you can count on.

Me.

So

I'm listening to music and this song comes on.
Cave in by Owl City
And I'm all, "HEY I REMEMBER THIS SONG"

Because! I wrote a paper revolving around the meaning of this song and how it connected to how I learned a lesson the hard way.

I decided to explain this whole entire paper just for you because I think it was genius.

So! I had to write a paper on learning a lesson the hard way for my AP Language class. Anyway, I chose how I learned to be a better driver after totalling my car -____-

Anyway, after explaining how I'd pay better attention and whatnot, I decided to throw a curveball into the paper to see if it would get me an A.

I began quoting lines from this song and how it connected to the accident, considering it was the song I remember was playing while going up to and during the accident.

Lines such as
"Swallow a drop of gravel and blacktop
'Cause the road tastes like wintergreen
The wind and the rain smell of oil and octane
Mixed with stale gasoline"
And
"Get me out of this cavern, or I'll cave in" -pertaining to the aftereffects of crashing my car and wanting to die, lol.

Isn't this awesome? I thought so. I believe I got an 8 on this paper, which is like a 94.
Yeaaaah, sucka:)

Such a random burst of something to write about...

Oh well, life goes on I suppose.

I

just made SUCH a good playlist. It combines music from six years ago until now. I'm so happy with it. And it only took me about a half hour to make.

I really hope this Newport trip goes through with Katie and Nadia. It would be so good to get away for a weekend because everyone in this town is just anxiety in human form, fo' reaaalz.

I just don't like tolerating peoples' stupid bullshit that they think is complaining worthy. It is annoying:)

Alright, this playlist is amazing. I can't even take it.

I do believe last night was quite the rollercoaster in terms of my stress level, going from the top of the chart, to the bottom, and back up to the top multiple times.
It ended at the bottom of the chart, thankfully, and a peaceful slumber on a couch filled with twelve+ pillows. W3rd.

Oh well, life goes on I suppose.

Jeeeez,

some people that I am thankfully not friends with anymore are just tearing shit up lately with how much their lives suck. Don't come crying to me;)

Have you ever figured something out and not been able to tell anyone without MASSIVE consequences? It's horrible.

Last night was awesome. Enough said. Got to see some good people and catch up, which is always nice. Two nights ago was the same with different people.

Tonight I work 'til close, then work a double on Sunday. Booo weekend:(

Oh well, life goes on i suppose;)

Well

school is a fucking joke.
I failed both of my AP exams.

I mean, I knew I'd fail my Calculus. Almost everyone did. I got a 1, whatever.

BUT ENGLISH? Are you fucking kidding me? A 2? I'm glad I tried my ass off for an entire school year just to get slapped across the face and no credit. It's fucking amazing how they can rate you on a single test to tell you if you get credit. AAAAND I got a higher yearly average for the class than almost every student, yet they all passed the exam.

A joke, I swear everything lately is a fucking joke.

No witty ending for this one.

It's funny how the mind works. At one minute you can be completely content, and the next you can be all over the place. Whether it be a song, a few words spoken to you, or an action by your surroundings, it can always change your mood.

I can't believe how on task I've been with summer books. It's incredible how I have grown out of procrastination since sophomore year.

...

I just realized how random all of these posts are. I just do them to pass time I guess, or to just keep people who don't really care about me posted on my day-to-day thoughts. I guess it is just a way to access me without actually accessing me.

Oh well, life goes on I suppose.

This weekend

in the words of Eminem:

"I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like,
And right now, it's like a steel knife in my windpipe"

Basically.

I don't regret anything. I just state how I feel and I want you to back. I just like knowing what's up and not being left in the dark. Sorry if you don't agree. I just want everyone to know how I feel because being left in the dark feels horrible; I have had this feeling the past four days.

I reaaaally have nothing exceptional to look forward to the rest of the Summer; I just realized this now. With 'vacation' over with and all excitement drained from my life as of this weekend, I feel like everything is just happening over, and over, and over, and over.
Wake up, do something meaningless, maybe go to work, maybe take a nap, and go to sleep.
With the variety of going out and upsetting people all mixed into one.

Summer is great!

Oh well, life goes on I suppose.

I do not appreciate

being talked down to. I'm pretty sure I have learned enough in my life to pick my words correctly. So don't try and correct me when I know what I'm doing; I have a Father, and it isn't you. If I didn't know what I was doing, I wouldn't say it. I'm not one to look like a fool.

Have you ever found a song you just can't stop listening to? I've had a song on repeat every time I come onto the computer the past three days. I don't know why. I barely even listen in, because I'm usually typing, but it stays on repeat and inspires me a lot to write. I like songs that inspire. I like inspiration in general.

Most of the time I'm looking inspiration photography because I enjoy taking pictures, but don't have the drive to go out and find something and make it better than the eye perceives it to be. So, looking up other photographers photos help me get out my artistic itch. Sometimes they actually just get me into the mood to go outside my house and just snap pictures for hours. I could live doing that, but I'm not ever going near that as a career, just a hobby.

Hmmm, this was interesting. Very jumpy and all over the place.

Oh well, life goes on I suppose.

I need

to take an outward approach on myself. I feel like I have so many complex decisions awaiting me, swirling around me lately; I don't want to deal with them. I have such a laid back personality where all I want to do is sit outside and read a good book and discuss it with someone. But now all I can think about is this, that, and everything else going on lately. I don't know why I'm writing this down. I guess it just goes with how I advertise the link to this blog- an inside look into the outskirts of my thoughts.

Oh well, life goes on i suppose.

It's quite ridiculous

that I, a seventeen year old teenager in high school, have to deal with irrational people that are extremely older than I. By bombarding me with stress, in a time like Summer, is completely ridiculous.

I've resorted to locking myself in my room, reading a book, and shutting off the world for hours at a time to get through the day. I shouldn't have to do this, but my surroundings demand it, apparently. I just can't comprehend the maturity level that I have to deal with in my own home; it's unbearable. And then I get yelled at for wanting to do what I want to do, god forbid I go out, since I'm working five days a week, I think I enjoy a bit of a good time once in awhile, you know?

I miss Nadia. She's having a baller-ass time in Minn. while I'm stuck here. Getting by is a daily phrase nowadays; that's all.

Oh well, live goes on I suppose.

Nothing

really matters to me anymore. After tonight, I'm probably done trying for anyone but myself.

Honestly, I do everything for everyone else. I solve everyone else's problems, talk to everyone else when they're down...yet whenever shit like this happens I sit home and listen to music and sulk. And when the people that I like hurt me the most, they brush it off like it's nothing.

What I said, I meant. And I hope you read this. And I hope you feel like you damaged me, because only you can pick up the pieces and put me back together.

But no, you'll go on enjoying every part of your perfect life and pretend none of this happened.

I was wrong to trust you. I'm still going to trust you, because I don't have anyone else. And I'll continue to feel this. But hopefully you realize what I am and how I effect you, and you realize that I am what would suite you, because I cannot for the life of me comprehend how I can feel something so strongly and the person on the recieving end get tangled in confusion instead of see what is right for them.

Oh well, life goes on I suppose.

Waking up

to the sound of a fan roaring in my room and being cold in this 90+ degree weather makes me happy. However, I became extremely hot ten seconds afterwards. I was supposed to have a meeting at 12, but obviously it got cancelled because nobody wanted to go...

But that has nothing to do with anything.

I think I may delete a bunch of people off of facebook. However, then I probably would not have anything to look at considering I keep them mostly for laughter purposes.

Someone just posted a status "What is there to do today?", obviously not spelt correctly, but we'll save that for another day. The reply? "Me:)"
Wut.
People are so strange. Keep your creepy innuendos to yourself or better yet, keep it to texting because nobody wants to be grossed out by your feeble attempt to flirt.

This was just a rant, basically, but it was fun to write nonetheless.

Oh well, life goes on I suppose.

Starting out

I tried this once before, and it did not necessarily work out, considering school was overtaking every day of my life this year. Starting off fresh sounding like a solid plan; so here I am, ready to write some meaningful things and hopefully look back at this at a later time in life and realize something.

Things have been odd lately. Summer is a good two and a half weeks in and I feel like it is going to end soon. I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel like I'm still trapped in the school year, just the weekend portions throughout. I'm doing what I was before, just over and over again. I had a spark of interest about a week ago, but now that I was ripped back and forth between decisions and overbearing gestures, it seems to have come to a screeching hault since yesterday. Things change, and people move on I guess. I know that something will happen eventually, but for now, I lost the fight. I'm not sure if it was worth fighting entirely, but it was the change in pace that had me fighting so hard for that extended amount of time. If you don't know what's been going on in my life lately, you probably have no idea what I just said.

That was a success I suppose.

I miss some people in my life. Whether they be on lockdown or just not on a very friendly basis at the moment, I kind of just eased off and decided that who I have as of now is good enough. Getting by seems to be the theme of the past month. And then there are the friends that I only see in a specific atmosphere which amounts to nothing after that 'amazing' three to four hours we spent together and the 'we should totally hang out again' 's are exchanged.

Oh well, life goes on I suppose.